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 THE NEW T-SHIRTS ARE HERE! That’s right; the long awaited 100% genuine “Rock Critic” t-shirt have arrived from the factory. These aren’t some shitty handmade shirts from a factory in the middle of Anytown, USA – These shirts were imported directly from China and crafted by a team of Artists. Lenny Kravitz called and ordered 50 shirts for his friends and road crew! The band Orson wants 5 shirts shipped to the UK pronto!
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The model that I hired to pose in the shirts “flaked” on me after David Spade called her and “bad-mouthed” me. Will his jealousy ever end? No need to fear, I was able to talk my neighbor’s baby-sitter into posing for a few “shots!” She said she wants to be famous so I’m giving her a shot to “prove” herself. Check her out:
The shirts will be available in stores next month! I’ll post some pictures of various celebrity friends wearing the shirt real soon. Who knows who will appear! BTW - The shirts come in 5 sizes: Extra-large, Large, Medium, Small and David-Spade!
Speaking of size, Hollywood is a "small" town - definitely not the place to have an ego. However, a healthy ego can help you to achieve many great things. I know this first hand. It can also cause lots of problems in a town full of “insecure little people.” I've had well known run-ins with other celebrities, including: Sharon Stone, Gene Simmons and Michael Bay - to name a few. Most of the time we can put our differences aside and "agree to disagree." Unless – of course - you’re a total cunt like Sharon Stone. As many of you know already, last year David Spade and the producers at Saturday Night Live played a prank on me when they held a phony audition with me - with no desire to hire me. They merely wasted my time so that they could laugh at me. (read the full SNL story here from old magazine interview: OLD SNL MAGAZINE INTERVIEW) Trust me, I can take a joke. But Spade and SNL went to far when they named a character after me and tried to make me look like a jerk. For those of you new to the site, here's the clip that myself and my lawyers didn't find to be funny at all: CLIP SNL MAKS FUN OF BRETT MEISNER
 Long story "short", SNL and I were able to reach "an agreement" that was very
favorable to me. I have no ill will towards Lorne or any of the producers.
However, my relationship with David Spade has never fully recovered. I've
known David Spade for over 15 years. I wrote a glowing piece about him for the
Village Voice early on in his career. Before he hit big I used to hang with
him, Sandler and Farley at some local watering holes on Second Avenue when I
lived in Manhattan. David has this thing about not being too friendly with
anyone - it's a "trust issue" I guess. In an effort to rebuild our fragile
relationship, David extended and olive branch and invited me to a special
dinner on Saturday Night. He gave me the address of this hip new Japanese
restaurant he said was called "Moto Lodz" where I was supposed to meet he and mutual friend C. Thomas Howell at 9:00pm. When I got to the address - 8944 Santa
Monica Boulevard - I realized that it was more like a bar and the name was
actually "Mother Lode" - and there wasn't any girls in site, just muscular
dudes. I was sure there was a mistake and was about to leave when a guy in
ass-less chaps named Darren stepped out and said "Are you here to meet
David?" I followed him inside and waited at the bar and ordered a pitcher of
Kamikazes - an extremely powerful mixture of vodka and alcohol. I started
to drink heavily. Pretty soon I couldn't find Darren - or David for that
matter. The place was packed with dudes dancing to a real loud heavy
pounding beat. Something came over me. I started pumping to the music. I guess I began to sweat because a dude in a black leather vest came over and wiped my brow with a
blue hanky. He put the hanky in my back right pocket in case I needed it
later. After a few hours of drinking and dancing with these guys it was
clear that David Spade wasn't going to show. I guess this was David's way of
saying that we are no longer friends. I could imagine David and his new
buddies sitting at The White Lotus or LAX or any other shitty poser club and laughing at the fact that they sent me to
the wrong address. Lame ass prank if you ask me. Screw it – I don’t need people like David in my life. If they think I missed out, they’re dead wrong. I had a blast at Mother Lode – In fact, I got so
hammered I don't even remember how I got home – or how I ended up with a pierced Nipple!
On Sunday morning I called C. Thomas to see what had happened and why David
was being such a dick to me. He summed it up in three words: "You're Too Tall!"
Apparently David has "small man's complex." He even had Vince Vaughn fired from a movie. Me being 6'6" and David being 4'11" doesn't go over too well. Everyone knows that being tall totally rules - literally. SOME BASIC FACTS: The taller a person the more likely the will win a presidential election. Tall people earn more money that short people. Tall people are generally more smarter. Tall people are better at sex. Bottom line: Tall people have greater social and economic prospects. And finally – tall people scare David Spade. He and Danny DeVito should go 50/50 on a bodyguard (LOL!)
Can you say... Couched?
Brett
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