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The following information contains 10 crucial tips on how to behave in Hollywood. Follow these to the letter and doors will open for you! 10 TIPS TO SURVIVE IN HOLLYWOOD
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Hollywood is a tough town. If your peers in the music industry smell a drop of fear coming from you they will
eat you alive like so many sharks.
Survival is based on knowing the business the business your in - inside and out. Having been knee deep in sharks for the last twenty years, I was able
to overcome the traps that many other music journalists face. I learned the hard way, but you don't have to! Each week I will publish a 'tip sheet' for newbies that
will give you that extra edge to make it to the top and never look back! So without further ado, I give you lesson number one of "Meisner 101":
MAKING CONNECTIONS: Most of you probably don't have an uncle
or brother-in-law who runs a major recording label or industry trade
magazine, but you still want to work in the industry. That’s why you need
to make friends with everyone in the industry that you come in contact with.
Interns and receptionists aren't just voices on the phone - they're your
gateway to the inside. Treat them well, and your calls will get through.
Find out their likes and dislikes, and heed to them. A simple “You're the
man!” or “Thanks, Bro!” can be your key to the kingdom. When dealing with Asian females, remember - they won't
talk to you unless they think you're Jewish. Be attentive, but don't be creepy!
TELEPHONE ETIQUETTE: Never call anyone in the business before
10:30 am! Also, never call anyone between 11:45 am and 4:15 pm. By violating
this rule you will put you anyone’s shit list. When receiving calls, never
pickup the call before two rings when using a cell phone; and three rings
for land line-based phones. Breaking this rule will make you look like a
desperate piker. And finally, always hang up first! Losers finish last –
especially on Hollywood-based phone calls.
SENDING UNSOLICITED PACKAGES: Whether it’s your manuscript,
conceptual artwork, Richard Scudder head shots or your band’s demo tape,
always be sure to draw colorful pictures and/or catchy slogans on the
outside of the package. This will get the receiver’s attention and let
them know they have ‘something special’ in their possession. If your unsure about
your submission, make sure to use a fake return address.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT ALEGATIONS:
: Hollywood is a town where the beautiful and
elite in the music industry come to mix and mingle. Don't ruin the party
by pressing charges against you superior or co-worker. Just come someone
thinks you're attractive and pins you against the walls of an elevator
doesn't mean they're a criminal – it means they like you! Remember, it’s
the people who say “yes” in this business that make it to the top.
WAITING ROOM ETIQUETTE:
After announcing your arrival (if necessary), take your seat on the couch
with the best view of the doorway. The key is: Never look happy. Your time
is important. You're important. You don't need to be there! Attitude, baby. If delayed longer than ten minutes be sure to engage in a ‘
loud and attractive’ cell phone conversation. Be sure to use numbers and
industry lingo during ‘the call.’ This will remind the others in the room
that you are a comer – and they need to watch their backs. And finally,
never read the trades – let the trades read you!
DEALING WITH ROCK STARS: : When in the presence of a rock
star never make eye contact within the first eight minutes. Let them make
the first move. It’s their world – you're just a visitor. Make sure
they're comfortable. If they make a joke, make sure you laugh your ass off.
Provide beverages, but never offer canned beverages – too much chance of
rat feces lining the rim. Make light conversation, but remember: Their
opinions override your opinions. If discussing music, stay with safe topics
like David Gray. Never, ever mention 'Boz Scaggs.' They will flip out on you!
Trust me, it happens every single time.
PARKING AT PLACES THAT DON’T OFFER VALET: If you are forced to
take a meeting at place that doesn't provide this Godsend, be sure to
improvise so that you get the best spot. Handicap parking spaces are a
valuable solution. Handicap passes aren't hard to get. An improvised limp,
a walking cane or other devices will help. Hollywood does not look down upon
the disabled. Many ‘disabled’ musicians actually use this to their
advantage – whether or not they're actually disabled! Don't believe me?
Case in point. I once spent a nine-hour flight next to a very famous rock
star who played a Game Boy the entire flight. When we landed,
Jose Felliciano put down the Game Boy, winked at me and put on his dark
glasses. He was then escorted off the plane like royalty by two hot
Oriental flight attendants before everyone else. Otherwise, just try to
park real close.
PLACE TO BE 'SEEN' AND PLACES NOT TO BE 'SEEN': Deals aren't
made in the boardrooms - they're made in exclusive 'watering holes' and
industry hangouts. Places like Le Dome, The Coach and Horses and Dan Tan's have long been replaced by hangouts such as
Red Rocks, The Sunset Room, Kane, Boardners, Gladstone's and Motherlode. Check out these places. Get to know the faces. Be sure to
find out the name of the doorman or manager. Tip them heavy! If you're a single male, make sure you have a date - especially at Motherlode. Two rules to
remember about these places: a) Never pay the bill - you're a "Player" not a "Payer", and; 2) Tony Danza does not own a record label. Do Not go to his house for an "audition." Who's The Boss? You are!
Attitude, Baby!
NAME DROPPING: Everyone does it! So should you. Successfully
dropping a name in Hollywood is like winning the lotto. In the twenties a mention of Fatty Arbuckle would almost mean your trousers would be "unbuckled!" But
times have changed. Certain names that used to spin gold have become taboo. including: "Richard Marx" - "David Geffen" - "Clive Davis" and "Justin Hayward." The new names that can open doors, include:
"Guy Oseary" - "Jon Brion" - "Quincy Jones" and "Taylor Hackford", among others. Do you think David Geffen ever actually met The Eagles!? Read the trades! The Hollywood Reporter, Variety, BillBoard, Pollstar and Spin will be invaluable if
you want to have the inside track. Saying "Alanis helped me pick out this couch' works a hell of a lot better than "I went to IKEA, but my trunk was too small." This sounds really cheesy - I know! But
you need to survive. But it was I, Brett Meisner, who recently received a call from "Anthony Keedis saying he liked my Web site, and that we should get together." See what I mean. This shit works!
Obvious names not to drop: "O.J. Simpson' - "Robert Blake" and "Charles Manson" - unless you're into 'death metal! (LOL - Brett)
WHAT’S YOUR TRADEMARK?: You need to leave an impression. So
how do you do that? You find a way to dress or act that let’s the rest of
this town knows that you have arrived. Some successful examples: Slash and
his black top hat, music powerhouses Josh Richmond and his signature 8-ball
cane, Rick Rubin’s Roll’s Royce and full Hasidim garb, and Limp Bizkit’s
own Fred Durst who doesn't go anywhere with out his trademark powder-blue
clogs! So whether it’s wearing ski goggles 24-7, a fanny pack full of
Tics-Tacs or head-to-toe scuba gear - complete with tanks, you need to be seen! Be the guy they remember and want to see again! Trust
your heart. This is your moment to shine. You only get two or three chances to make a first impression. Be bold and the mighty forces will guide you!
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